Friday, 9 May 2014

A Time Capsule for Bompalomp by Neal Doran

A time capsule for Bompalomp 

One Sunday afternoon, at lunch with their parents, a young couple and parents to be, Rebecca and James, recorded a video time capsule as a memento for their imminent first child. 
A transcript of the historic moment follows… 
JAMES: Is it going? Right, great, here we go. Hi Bomp, dad here.
REBECCA: And this is mummy. And I hate appearing in videos and having to hear my own voice. So when you get old enough to see this, please understand why I’ll have to leave the room or wear ear plugs.
JAMES: We’re doing this video for you because…because-
REBECCA: Well, because your grandfather has a new iPad and he insisted that we use it.
JAMES: Yes that’s basically it. Coercion. And so it seems only fair that without further ado, we should get the man himself in here to say hello. So here he is – granddad Howard!
HOWARD: Hello little one, Gramps here! Look at this! Talking to you in the future! Marvellous technology. I’m keeping up, you see, all the latest gadgets. By the time you see this, I’ll be coming to visit you by jetpack -- if the PC Brigade don’t ban them because they’re trying to save the New Guinea butterfly or some such bollocks. 

What’s that dear?
Grandma’s telling me I shouldn’t say bollocks. James can we bleep that bit?
JAMES: I’ll see what I can do with the edit, Howard.
HOWARD: Great! Do you want to come on here, dear? Time travel to the future? No? I understand, that pudding won’t serve itself. Anyway, I’ll get out of the way then, let you kids talk to the young master, or miss, or mzz, whatever they’ll be calling themselves. Can’t wait to meet you. Bye!
REBECCA: OK. Has he gone, James? Right. So that was your grandpa. My dad. And yes. He’s always been like that. 
JAMES: And this is us before you were born. I was an accountant.
REBECCA: Are an accountant…
JAMES: Well, we’ll see. And your mum’s a lawyer. Although actually, that’s just what we tell people. 
Bompalomp, it’s time you learned that your parents are actually international spies, who save the world through the application of circus skills.
REBECCA: James! Stop messing about. What if they believe that? It’s very irresponsible. 
You shouldn’t give away our secret identities.
JAMES: Sorry. 
REBECCA: If you ever see your father juggling, Bompalomp, pretend you’ve not seen anything.
JAMES: And now, brace yourself, because here’s your other set of grandparents. My lot. Bring ‘em in…
REBECCA: Now, Margaret and Ben, hello. What would you like Bomp here to call you?
MARGARET: I think Margaret and Ben would make sense seeing as that is our names.
REBECCA: Well, yes. I…I can certainly see the logic of that.
JAMES: Welcome to a glimpse of my childhood, kiddo.
MARGARET: Hello to you, the future generation of our family and the planet.
JAMES: We’ve already covered their superhero destiny Maggie…
REBECCCA: James! Your mum’s talking. Shh.
MARGARET: I hope when you see this that the world is in a better state than it is now. A time when your other grandfather, Howard, is being prosecuted for society’s antiquated restrictions on how and where one may express their sexuality.
JAMES: There goes the U rating for this thing…
MARGARET: I’d just like to say that life’s a struggle for justice. I hope to be around to help you in that fight. And now I’ll pass you over to my life partner and lover, Ben.
JAMES: Your what? Oh jeez…
BEN: Hello there. This is Ben, your grandfather. Interesting choice of words there, grand and father. Believed to come from the French, grand pére, but in many ways I prefer the Old English, which would have been much closer to ‘elder father’ – a much less patriarchal term, when you think about it. 

But anyway, this is a joyous time, so here’s something that’s a bit fun. It’s a crossword clue, a word that’s 13 letters long, and the clue is ‘e’. That’s it! Fiendish, isn’t it? I’m sure you’ll work it out, but if not I’ll tell you on your tenth birthday.
JAMES: OK, right. So that’s it from Dictionary Corner. And that’s it from us now. I, for one, need a drink. So it’s goodbye from Dad.
REBECCA: And it’s goodbye from mum. 
Sounds funny saying that, still. Mum. 
Makes my tummy go jittery. I expect you’ll be dancing around in there any second now from all the adrenalin. Anyway, we can’t wait to meet you, and for you to meet this wonderful bizarre family of yours. And maybe bring some sanity. See you soon! Love you.
JAMES: Dad out. PEACE!
REBECCA: I’m so glad we decided we’re not going to be embarrassing parents, James...
JAMES: What?

You can read more about Rebecca, James, their parents, and the bump they call Bompalomp in Not What They Were Expecting, available now in all major e-Retailers.

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